I've spent the past 2 1/2 years in school - first taking prerequisites for the dental hygiene program, then working through the program. Now, with a nightmare semester coming to an end, I'm not sure I'll move on the final semester. I've dealt with numerous patient cancellations and patients arriving late for appointments. I failed a skill test and had to retake it. I've struggled to find the patients I need to meet requirements. Now it all comes down to today and whether or not I can finish. It's possible...but it's going to be hard. It's scary that it's really completely out of my control.
I have no idea where I'll be at the end of the day today. I have no idea what's next for me. It's terrifying. Before dental hygiene school, I held a life-long 4.0 GPA. It was down to a 3.5 before this semester started, and it will drop lower than that once grades are posted. Over the past year and a half, I've failed both written tests and skill tests. It's hard. It's humbling. It's something I did not want to learn. But apparently, God thinks it's important for me.
A couple of weeks ago, after I failed that skill test, I was praying, crying, and begging God for a reason. "What are You trying to teach me?" I asked. He didn't give me the kind of answer I was expecting...I'm learning that He seldom does...instead, He answered with His own question:
"Do you trust Me?"
Maybe that's the answer...maybe this is all so I will learn to lean totally on Him, doing nothing in my own strength or ability. Maybe I'll never really know why. Either way, all I can do right now is cling to Him and His grace. It's all I can hang onto right now as I wait to see what the future holds.