Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Grace in the Storm


I'm no stranger to storms. Growing up in tornado alley, some of my earliest school memories include tornado drills. When I was in first grade, I remember my teacher reviewing those drills as the sky turned a sickly green, wind slashing rain against our classroom windows and bowing the trees low. When I was a junior in high school, my hometown was hit by a deadly F4 tornado that tore a half mile wide swatch of destruction across the small town where I grew up, destroying downtown and killing six people. 


After spending the first twenty-seven years of my life in Arkansas, my husband, two small boys, and I moved to the coast of Texas, where we were quickly introduced to a whole new kind of storm - hurricanes. Just five months after moving, a small system blew up into a hurricane shortly before landfall, and we rode out the Category 1 storm as the wind screamed and sheets of rain fell for hours. The next year we evacuated for two storms, and our home flooded in the second one: Hurricane Ike. Last year, much of our area flooded when Harvey dumped 60 inches of rain on the Texas coast. We walked with friends and church members who sustained massive damage, some losing everything they owned.

Physical storms can be terrifying. But life's storms can be just as scary, just as damaging, and even harder to protect ourselves from. These storms take many forms: job loss, marriage problems, close friendships that end, people we trust who hurt us, life changing medical diagnoses.


I want to handle life's storms the way I handle physical storms. I want to make myself small and cover my head like I did in those elementary school tornado drills. Or I want to pack up what matters most and get in my car and drive far away like we do in a hurricane evacuation. This isn't a new feeling. David wanted to do the same thing in Psalm 55:6-8: I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten to my place of refuge from the stormy wind and tempest." But hiding and running won't protect from life's storms.


When storms hit, I do tend to make myself small and run away emotionally. I withdraw. I listen to a lot of music, even creating playlists that fit what I'm dealing with at the time. I read a lot, sometimes fiction, because it's an escape from a dark reality; sometimes Shauna Niequist or Emily P. Freeman, because their words and their openness always seem to meet me exactly where I am. I get quiet, because I know if I put my feelings into words, I'll shatter and I won't be able to contain the emotions. I hate losing control in front of anyone, so I hide my deepest feelings until I'm alone and safe.


When you're in the middle of a storm, it's all you can see. It takes over your awareness, filling every sense. When the sky turns green and eerie silence screams in your ears, all you can do is take cover and pray. When wind screams and debris flies, all you can think about is staying safe from the carnage. When your life turns upside down, all you can focus on is the pain and the fear.


Then the storm passes, and you're left to clean up the destruction that's left behind. You find yourself looking for a new job, grieving a loss, finding a new normal while wishing life could go back to what it was like before the storm, but realizing it will never be the same. Life will be marked differently now: before the storm, and after the storm. 



Jesus knew what it meant to face storms. He knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane, knowing what He was about to face, begging the Father for another way. But there was no other way. The only way we could be saved was for Him to face the storm head on. He knew how the story ended, and He knew the storm was worth the price. 


We don't know how our story will end - but God does. He wrote the ending long before the storm started. He walked this earth and faced the same kind of storms we face. He knows our pain and fear, and He doesn't leave us to face the storm alone. He holds our hand and walks beside us. He comes to us when we need Him and never leaves our side. When we call out to Him, He gives us grace to face the storms and find new life on the other side. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Unraveled


Last month, San Antonio left me unraveled. Not the city itself, not the trip, but a combination of things. I sat in our hotel's library one night, thankful for something familiar, missing my family. The day was full of convention exhibits and continuing education classes required for my dental hygiene license. At night, though, my heart ached because someone I respected fell hard, shattering the image of the person I thought I knew. Just one more rock tossed at my soul in this year of refinement and hard grace.

This whole year has left me reeling. The girl who hates change has faced constant shifts: job changes, writing groups dissolving, my youngest struggling with health issues, plans changing. 

The urge to curl into a fetal position and hide has been strong. Despite our 90 degree Texas summer, I crave leggings  and fuzzy socks and my favorite hoodie sweatshirt that's two sizes too big. What I'm really craving is comfort. Safety. Security. An end to the unraveling before everything I know and love changes. 

But sometimes everything unravels in the best possible way.

God has a way of preparing things before us, laying a foundation for what we need long before we even know we'll need it. Looking back, I can see Him working when I read Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist as I started the new year. It deals in large part with Shauna's job loss and how she wrestled with it - and I read it days before my boss announced his retirement, which meant my own job loss. God spoke to me on those hard days, telling me exactly how He was going to work things out. I wish I could tell you I boldly trusted Him, but I didn't. I was a weepy, emotional mess. True to God's promises, I found another job that started as soon as my old job ended. But if it was a test of my faith, I failed miserably.

The changes didn't stop there. It's been a year of refinement, a year of learning to cling to God. James 1:2-3 have taken on a personal meaning to me: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." Testing is hard. Refinement is not a process I get excited about. "Joy" is not the word that comes to mind when I'm going through trials. It's painful. But verse 12 tells us that God makes the pain worthwhile: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which The Lord has promised to those who love Him."

That's our true joy in the middle of the pain: knowing that God is in control. We don't have to panic, because it's not our job to work it out. God will take care of it. He has a way of taking our disasters and turning them into fresh starts. When life unravels, He weaves a new, more beautiful pattern.

This year has been hard, but it has also defined me. The changes have forced me to focus on what matters most and refined what I believe, what I cling to. My time with God has become slower, forcing me deeper into every word and nuance of His Word. The year has left me on my knees begging for more grace. It's drawing me closer to God. 

Life has left me unraveled...but God is weaving the pieces into something new.