Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Lessons I Didn't Want To Learn

It's been a tough month for me...a tough two weeks especially.  God has been teaching me lessons that I didn't really want to learn.  He's been teaching me to fail.

I've spent the past 2 1/2 years in school - first taking prerequisites for the dental hygiene program, then working through the program.  Now, with a nightmare semester coming to an end, I'm not sure I'll move on the final semester.  I've dealt with numerous patient cancellations and patients arriving late for appointments.  I failed a skill test and had to retake it.  I've struggled to find the patients I need to meet requirements.  Now it all comes down to today and whether or not I can finish.  It's possible...but it's going to be hard.  It's scary that it's really completely out of my control.

I have no idea where I'll be at the end of the day today.  I have no idea what's next for me.  It's terrifying.  Before dental hygiene school, I held a life-long 4.0 GPA.  It was down to a 3.5 before this semester started, and it will drop lower than that once grades are posted.  Over the past year and a half, I've failed both written tests and skill tests.  It's hard.  It's humbling.  It's something I did not want to learn.  But apparently, God thinks it's important for me.

A couple of weeks ago, after I failed that skill test, I was praying, crying, and begging God for a reason.  "What are You trying to teach me?" I asked.  He didn't give me the kind of answer I was expecting...I'm learning that He seldom does...instead, He answered with His own question:

"Do you trust Me?"
Maybe that's the answer...maybe this is all so I will learn to lean totally on Him, doing nothing in my own strength or ability. Maybe I'll never really know why. Either way, all I can do right now is cling to Him and His grace.  It's all I can hang onto right now as I wait to see what the future holds.

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