Broken Gifts

We sing it often, but that night, during worship service, the song reached out and grabbed me. One line stabbed my heart: "So what can I say, what can I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to you?"

I stopped singing, overwhelmed, heart heavy. Why would He want that? My heart is quick to forget His promises and quick to turn to sin. My heart turns from His Word and runs to the lies of the enemy. My heart has belonged to Him since I was just a little girl, but it knows so little and trusts even less. I fail Him every day. I let Him down. Why would He want such an imperfect gift as my broken, scarred, and fearful heart?

I stood condemning myself as the service went on around me. Unrelenting stress has been a constant lately, pushing me to my breaking point, and sometimes even beyond. I've melted down and lashed out at those I love. I've pushed away from friends, hiding in solitude so they can't see how close I am to breaking. I've even pushed away from God - the One who made me, the only One who can truly help me. Why would He want my heart?

Yet that's exactly what He asks for. It's really all He asks for. He stands, hands outstretched, asking me to bring Him my broken gifts - my emptiness, my failures, my scars. He wants my heart, full of sin and fear and pain. He reaches out for my gift of perfect imperfection. And the gifts He returns to me are so much sweeter.

He calms my fears. He fills the empty places with more of Himself. He shows me the purpose for the scars. He forgives my sins. He picks up the pieces of my broken heart and life, and He makes them whole. He whispers peace to my frantic soul. And He doesn't give up. He does it over and over and over again. Like a daddy when his little girl is learning to ride a bike - when I fall down, He gently picks me, brushes off the dirt, and gives me a gentle nudge to try again. When I come to Him with my failings, feeling so unworthy, He forgives my sins, lifts my head, and gives me strength for another day, another battle, another step.

I was praying and journaling recently, and I got brutally honest with God about where I am. I admitted to Him, "I'm kind of a mess right now." His reply was immediate: "Do you think I love you any less?" No, He doesn't love me less. In my brokenness, He holds me even closer and shows me more of His grace. He pours out His love and mercy, showing me just how much He treasures my broken gifts.

 

Side Effects?

I shared a couple of weeks ago about my wake up call regarding my health. I knew it was time to do something, but I also know myself well enough not to dive in head-first. I knew that I needed to work my way in slowly. So I started with a couple of simple changes.

I got a great book on Kindle a few weeks ago called 42 Days to Fit and decided to start the challenge.  Honestly, when I read the first food challenge, I thought, "No way - I can't do this." (In case you're wondering, the first challenge was giving up extra sugar, including desserts and sugary coffee creamer, and even - gasp - diet drinks.) I was terrified as I bought only sweets that I don't like (for my husband and kids) and picked up ingredients for paleo coffee creamer from Pinterest. Around that same time, @TufMotherRunner posted a Twitter challenge to #DumpDietCoke. I knew I'd need the extra encouragement, so I joined in.

It hasn't been perfect. The first day, I hated the paleo creamer because I was used to such sugary coffee. I added a little bit of sweet cream to make it bearable. The next day, I actually loved it. I'm still adding a little cream, but I'm working my way down to just the paleo creamer. I've had Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper four days in the last week and a half - not perfect, but better than my 2-3 a day habit just a couple of weeks ago. Saturday I had a piece of cake at a birthday party, and yesterday I had a small piece of pie. I'm doing better and making progress, though, and as I shared on Monday, being imperfect shouldn't keep me from being better.

This week, I'm finally starting the fitness challenge, thanks to an extra nudge from Run Like a Mother and their 5K Finish It plan. I'm not sure what my final fitness routine will look like. I have to balance finishing school with the specific fitness needs my soon-to-be career as a dental hygienist requires. (I did a research paper on the effects of repetitive stress in the field and the workouts RDH's should do - fascinating stuff, but I digress.)

I'm already noticing side effects from this challenge. I'm sleeping better. I feel better. My blood pressure is better. I could get used to these side effects. I really like the way I feel. What's really exciting is knowing that as the book builds on itself, I'll feel even better. More small changes will have more positive side effects.   I can't wait to find out what the rest of the side effects are!

 

Finding Balance

I can't tell you how many times I've read blogs or articles about home, family, motherhood, health, or work and come away feeling guilty. You know the type - "You can be a mom who leads a major company, volunteers with the PTA, sends hand-made invitations for parties, and trains for marathons - it's easy!" (It makes me think of the new Five Hour Energy commercials, where the guy is knitting a sweater while running just before he writes a novel and records his debut album.) I know these writers are trying to encourage women, but honestly, I usually come away feeling like a failure.  After all, I'm not Supermom or Wonder Woman, although sometimes I think I'm trying to get there.

Let's face it: After a long day at work and school, I often come home exhausted, frustrated, and just ready to put my feet up for a while. But my family wants to eat, my kids need help with their homework, the house needs to be cleaned, and the laundry won't do itself - mot to mention the fact that I still need to work out and write. So how do you do it? How do you find balance? How you juggle family, home, work, exercise, errands, kids activities, and the thousand other things a mom has to balance?

I'm learning that balance doesn't equal perfect. Balance doesn't mean that every day is perfectly proportioned. Each day looks different, with its own rhythm and flow. Some days I might write 2,000 words when inspiration strikes, but skip my workout because I don't feel good. Other days I might get in a great run, but never open my laptop. Some days the laundry gets done...okay, so that usually happens when everyone is down to their last clean pair of underwear, but that's beside the point.

I'm trying to strike more of a weekly balance in my life right now. I have a loose daily schedule that I'm trying to stick to for housework, exercise, quiet time, writing, and studying. Some days it all gets done. Some days nothing gets done. I'm also making slow changes to my diet as I work toward a healthier lifestyle. It's a learning curve, and a pretty big one. The key is giving myself grace. There's no such thing as perfect - but being imperfect shouldn't keep me from being better. Each day, I'm going to strive to do a little better than the day before. When things don't go as planned, I'm going to brush myself off and try again. Week by week, with gradual changes, I know I'll see improvement. That's my goal. My life and my schedule will never be perfect, but they can be better.

What I Dream of Being

I took a long, hard look at myself recently. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was pretty shocking. I realized that I barely recognize myself anymore. In some ways, it's great - I'm braver now, more willing to take chances, and sure of where I want to go. But in some ways, it's really scary. I'm overweight. I'm unhealthy. I'm out of shape. I don't remember the last time I had an unhurried talk with God - just talking with Him, with no agenda but being with my Father. I've finally "found myself" now, in my 30's, and to be brutally honest, right now I don't like the person I am. I'm not who I want to be.

What do you do when there's a big discrepancy between where you are and where you dream of being? In my dreams, I see what I want to be: I'm a writer, with books already published and more on the way; I'm a runner, competing in half-marathons; I'm healthy and at my ideal weight; I'm focused on God, with regular times of prayer and deep Bible study; my life and home are organized and peaceful.

But my reality looks nothing like that. I'm a writer with a couple of blogs, one big work in progress and a few website publications; I'm not sure I could run to the end of our street right now; I'm 25 pounds over what I consider my ideal weight; my quiet time is hit and miss; my life, my schedule, and my home are pretty much total chaos while I just try to keep my head above water. My reality looks nothing like my dreams. But the truth is, my reality won't look like my dreams without a whole lot of good old fashioned hard work. That's why those are dreams - they're big goals to work toward. They wouldn't be dreams if everyone did them.  I love this quote from Colin Powell:

 

It's not enough to dream about what I want to be - I have to put feet to those dreams.  I have to make plans, then work those plans, to make my dreams a reality.  I've already taken some of the steps, like joining a critique group to improve my writing and connecting with great authors and websites to learn more.  Another big step starts today, as I start a health and fitness challenge, making small changes each week and letting them build on each other.  This week's challenge - cut out sugar.  It's not going to be easy for a sugar addict like me.  I'm switching to a healthier "paleo" coffee creamer and giving up my beloved Diet Dr. Peppers.  But I'm going to keep my goals, my big picutre, in focus.  Every small step, every change, brings me one step closer to making my dreams my reality.

Consider the Cross

If you're anything like me, the season leading up to Easter can be chaotic.  As a pastor's wife and kids minister, it's sometimes hard to slow down and focus on the meaning behind this season. 

I have a great solution - Consider the Cross, a devotional for Lent, from my friend Kirsten Oliphant.

These devotions are perfect for this busy season.  These can easily be read in just a few minutes, but the truths from them will stay with you throughout the day.  Kirsten also includes some great questions that are perfect for journaling.  I highly recommend this book!

You can check it out on Amazon here: Consider the Cross.  (And as of Sunday, as I'm posting this, it's FREE for Kindle.)

Time To Refocus

Last week was a wake-up call for me. The woman who prides herself on not going to the doctor until she's half-dead, was there twice. Two days in a row, to be exact. It wasn't pretty. I saw my weight, which was horrifyingly high. My blood pressure was spiking. I had a bad case of vertigo. I felt horrible. I found myself sitting in the office, talking to the nurse practicioner, and I thought, "What am I doing to myself?" My health has gotten totally out of hand. Something has to change. Everything has to change.

I saw this on Pinterest not long after those appointments, and I thought it was the perfect inspiration:

I've treated my body as a trash can for too long now, and I'm paying the price for it. It's time to make some major changes. I know that change won't happen overnight. I know it's going to take some time to repair the damage, lose the weight, change my eating habits, and feel better. I also know that I have to start somewhere. So once again, I'm starting where I am.

I'm doing Claire's febYOUary challenge at Peak 313 fitness. I'm tracking my eating habits again on My Fitness Pal. (I'm here if you want to add me as a friend: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/graceinourmoments ). I'm reassessing my goals and what I need to be focusing on.

It's time for change. This time next year, I want a lot of things in my life to look different. It's time to make a plan, then make it happen.

When You Need to Say "No"

It's hard to decrease anything in my life right now.  I have a never-ending list of people and things clamoring for my attention - college assignments and projects, planning for children's church lessons, church events, cleaning, working out, writing - the list goes on and on.  Some things are going to need even more attention the next few months, like studying for my dental hygiene national boards and focusing more on my health.  Everyone on my list is important and everything needs my attention, so how do I decide what to drop off?  It's a tough decision to make.

Somehow, I've found time to work on my writing.  I've found quite a bit of time, actually, but I have given up some things.  I don't read much anymore, except for my Bible.  That's hard for a bookworm like me.  I have a ton of books on my Kindle, just calling my name, but I've tuned them out so I can work on a God-sized project of my own.  (Although as soon as the next Steven James book comes out, I'm making an exception - I'll drop everything else and read non-stop.  I've been waiting on The King for months!)  I don't watch much TV, except for a couple of shows that I'm truly hooked on.  I don't sleep a whole lot - I've pulled off a lot of late night writing sessions, and I've also gotten up extra-early more than once.

This may seem like a strange thing to give up, but I've started turning my radio off in the car a lot more often.  I love music, and I usually have a Christian radio station blaring anytime I'm in the car.  Sometimes I'll listen to podcasts that are relevant to what I'm working on.  Other times I'll just use my drive time to brainstorm ideas or work out scenarios that I'm stuck on.  Sometimes, that half-hour commute is the only true quiet time I get in my day, so it makes sense to use that time for deep thought or daydreaming new ideas. 

Honestly, since I've started chasing after this God-sized dream, I find myself thinking about things differently.  I look for ways to carve out time for writing.  I spend more time learning about writing.  I've pretty much let my other hobbies go to focus on this single dream.  I find myself getting lost in this whole process, but I love feeling that way. 

I found a great picture to inspire me on Pinterest, so I'll end with this - this is what will make all the sacrifices and all the hard work worth it: