Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Broken Gifts

We sing it often, but that night, during worship service, the song reached out and grabbed me. One line stabbed my heart: "So what can I say, what can I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to you?"

I stopped singing, overwhelmed, heart heavy. Why would He want that? My heart is quick to forget His promises and quick to turn to sin. My heart turns from His Word and runs to the lies of the enemy. My heart has belonged to Him since I was just a little girl, but it knows so little and trusts even less. I fail Him every day. I let Him down. Why would He want such an imperfect gift as my broken, scarred, and fearful heart?

I stood condemning myself as the service went on around me. Unrelenting stress has been a constant lately, pushing me to my breaking point, and sometimes even beyond. I've melted down and lashed out at those I love. I've pushed away from friends, hiding in solitude so they can't see how close I am to breaking. I've even pushed away from God - the One who made me, the only One who can truly help me. Why would He want my heart?

Yet that's exactly what He asks for. It's really all He asks for. He stands, hands outstretched, asking me to bring Him my broken gifts - my emptiness, my failures, my scars. He wants my heart, full of sin and fear and pain. He reaches out for my gift of perfect imperfection. And the gifts He returns to me are so much sweeter.

He calms my fears. He fills the empty places with more of Himself. He shows me the purpose for the scars. He forgives my sins. He picks up the pieces of my broken heart and life, and He makes them whole. He whispers peace to my frantic soul. And He doesn't give up. He does it over and over and over again. Like a daddy when his little girl is learning to ride a bike - when I fall down, He gently picks me, brushes off the dirt, and gives me a gentle nudge to try again. When I come to Him with my failings, feeling so unworthy, He forgives my sins, lifts my head, and gives me strength for another day, another battle, another step.

I was praying and journaling recently, and I got brutally honest with God about where I am. I admitted to Him, "I'm kind of a mess right now." His reply was immediate: "Do you think I love you any less?" No, He doesn't love me less. In my brokenness, He holds me even closer and shows me more of His grace. He pours out His love and mercy, showing me just how much He treasures my broken gifts.

 

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart. Blessings.

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  2. So beautiful Amanda... thank you so much for sharing!

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  3. Oh, Amanda... me too. I'm just emerging from a year of darkness, and God taught me so much about His unrelenting love through that time. No matter how much I fail, how broken I am, He is still faithful. Have you heard the song "Not for a Moment" by Meredith Andrews? It speaks to my heart so clearly -- he never forsakes me. And now that I've been through that fire, He is so much more real and present to me, and using me in new ways. Praying that you fill find joy and wholeness in him, friend!

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  4. Beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to press, "publish". Sometimes, we just don't know what to do with our brokenness. How wonderful that we can just give that to God as well.

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  5. Lovely.
    I understand more than you know.

    Xx Love.

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  6. Beautiful Writing! I loved every word of it!

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  7. What a wonderful gift the he never loves us less because of all the mistakes we make! Amen!

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